Stop complaining. Stories from Mark Manson’s book “Everything is f*cked up”
We live in a paradox of progress: the better things get around us, the more anxious we become. And while the world is successfully fighting hunger, racism, and other challenges, people are still unhappy. So what seems to be the problem?
In his book, Mark Manson says that what humans need is not order, prosperity, or new models of electric cars. What it lacks is something much more ephemeral: hope. Hope is based on the feeling that we are in control, that we are acting on our own values, and that we belong to a community. The author teaches us to take all adversity in stride, not to sweat the small stuff and gives us advice on how to find the lost hope for a better life in a world of progress.
This book contains jokes, unexpected turns of thought, vivid images, and stories that won’t leave you indifferent. But the main thing is that it criticizes the ubiquitous cult of happiness, the pursuit of more and better. Relax. Life is too exciting to be wasted on a futile fight against windmills.
1. Nowadays, we often think that our world is fucked up. The heroes of history inspire us, they give us hope. We tell ourselves: “Look, everything was a thousand times worse back then, and that guy managed to survive. What heroic things have I done lately?” This is exactly what we should be asking ourselves. We need to expand the boundaries of our own vision a bit and evaluate events from a broader perspective.
2. How can you, being in a clear mind and in good consciousness, wish someone a “good day” if you realize that all the thoughts and motivations of that person grow from the constant need to bury his or her head in the sand in order not to see the futility of human existence? Because the universe, which stretches endlessly in time and space, doesn’t really give a damn whether your children are studying at a university, or whether your boss thinks your report sucked. It doesn’t care about forest fires, melting glaciers, floods, polluted air, etc. But you care. It matters to you, and so you desperately convince yourself that if it matters to you, then there is some giant meaning behind it.
3. You are probably thinking now: “After all, I believe that we are all here for a reason, nothing happens by chance, everyone is important because all our actions matter to someone, and even if we help at least one person, it will already make sense, right?” This is the hope that’s speaking in you. Your words are like a broken record that the brain starts playing every time you have to get out of bed in the morning: something has to make sense, because if there is no sense in anything, then why live at all? In order to survive, our psyche needs hope like a fish needs water. Hope is the gasoline for the engine of our minds, the butter on a sandwich. Without it, our entire nervous system will stop and dry up. If we stop hoping that life will be better in the future than it is now, we will simply die spiritually.
4. Meanwhile, many people do not realize that the opposite of happiness is not anger or sadness. If you are angry or upset, it means that you have not yet given up on everything. It means you still care. It means you have hope. The opposite of happiness is hopelessness, an endless gray horizon of resignation and indifference. Hopelessness is a cold, faded nihilism, a belief that nothing makes sense, so you can give up on everything.
5. Hopelessness is the root of anxiety, mental illness, and depression. It is the cause of all addictions. And this is not an exaggeration. Chronic anxiety is a crisis of hope. Fear of the future, which seems terrifying. Depression is a crisis of hope. Fear of a future that is seen as meaningless. Mania, addiction, and obsession are the brain’s desperate and persistent attempts to generate hope, up to and including nervous tics and obsessions.
6. Stories of hope in difficult times give us purpose. They not only affirm that there is something good in the future but also show us that this “good” can be achieved. When someone starts talking about the need to find a “purpose in life,” what he or she really means is that he or she no longer understands what is important, what is worth spending the short amount of time that everyone has on this Earth, and what to hope for. This person is trying to see what life should be like before and after which is not easy. It’s hard because you never know if the answers you find are right. That’s why so many people are drawn to religion: they recognize this constant state of uncertainty and say that faith is needed in the face of it. Perhaps this is partly why religious people are much less likely to suffer from depression and commit suicide: faith protects them from the Bitter Truth.
7. Any problem with self-control is not a problem of information, discipline, or evidence, but of feelings. Laziness is a problem of feelings. Procrastination is a problem of feelings. Failure to achieve the plan is a problem of feelings. Impulsiveness is also a problem of feelings. And it’s shitty. Because emotional problems are much harder to deal with than logical problems. To calculate the number of monthly mortgage payments, you can use formulas. But there are no formulas for solving relationship problems. We know that we should quit smoking, stop eating bad food, etc. But we keep doing it. Not because we don’t know better, but because it doesn’t make us feel better.
8. Pain creates moral gaps. And not only between people. If you are bitten by a dog, you instinctively want to punish the animal. And what do you do when you hit the table with your toe? You start hissing at the damn table. If your house were suddenly washed away in a flood, you would scream in despair at God, at the universe, at life itself. All these are moral abysses. The feeling that if something bad has happened to you, you deserve retribution. And pain is everywhere. Standing over a moral abyss, we desperately seek balance. This desire is embodied in the feeling that someone deserves something. All the feelings around “I deserve/don’t deserve” are value judgments in the face of a moral abyss. Values are born where moral chasms are bridged.
9. At first glance, it seems that high and low self-esteem are opposite phenomena, but in fact, they are two sides of the same (false) coin. Because no matter what you think of yourself — that you are the worst in the world or the best — you still consider yourself special, separated from the rest of the world. And you are convinced that the world should make an exception for you and take your values and feelings into account more than the values and feelings of other people.
